'Tis The Season (2011)

"There are two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other as though everything is a miracle."  Albert Einstein

Well here it is, about 10 days until Christmas.  The halls are decked, the tree is up, everyone is looking forward to the big day.  This year is very special as it is our first Christmas back in Michigan in 7 years.  We can't begin to tell you how great it is to be back home.  We bought a live tree, a blue spruce, never had one of those before, and it looks terrific in our living room.  Sam wanted to have Christmas at our house, so that is what we are doing.  It will be a little crowded but I don't think anyone will mind. The Grand kids came over and we decorated the tree and had KFC for dinner.  A good time was had by all.

My joy is tempered by the reality of Sam's health.  I want everything to be just the way  Sam would like it for the holiday and I want to remember every detail of the day.  We no longer look at the future in terms of years, it is now months.  But we try to remain optimistic, who knows, we have witnessed many miracles in the last two years, maybe we can eek out one more.

  The biggest miracle of late was after his motorcycle accident in October.  He laid the bike down to avoid hitting another car and bruised his right lung (the bad one), broke three ribs and punctured said lung.  His condition was dire and the trauma docs were very pessimistic about his chances of leaving the hospital.  There was talk of a ventilator and they said once on it he probably wouldn't come off.  He was using oxygen at such a high rate to keep his levels up, that if his numbers continued to drop  he would need the ventilator.  He worked really hard at his breathing exercises which built up his lung capacity. We were told that we were out of the woods and we couldn't believe it.  He was still very oxygen dependent so when his numbers started down again, the docs sent in a Palliative care doc who talked to us about the big V again and nursing homes, and hospice.  Good Lord is this really happening again?  So after speaking to Dr. Kavenaugh about Hospice, we were sent home with oxygen and when go home we signed up for hospice.  After three days, Sam was no longer oxygen dependent and he was discharged from hospice care.

Fast forward to week of December 19th.  This just in:  "Ginger" Sam's kidney has decided to go into reject mode.  We actually thought we would get through November and December without a trip to the hospital.  No such luck.  He had to start dialysis immediately, so he was admitted to the hospital on Monday.  Wednesday of that week on my way home from the hospital, the car decided to have transmission problems.  Many times I thanked God I was in Kalamazoo, not Chicago when all this was taking place.  I have my Son here to help me out.  So here is what might be considered miraculous in this latest development.  Now that Sam's kidney function is compromised, he may be eligible for some clinical trials for his cancer.  Worst case scenario he can have much stronger chemotherapy that they had to avoid due to his transplanted kidney.


I hear Christmas always comes whether you're ready or not.  Well it came, I only had one melt-down when I couldn't find the good silverware.  With our family all around us, we dined, talked and laughed our way through the special day.  We have the most marvelous Family for which we thank God everyday and if he happens to bless us with another miracle,. well that wouldn't be so bad either.

"C" Is For Courage

"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."

I                                                                                                          John Wayne

I was going to edit out the meat in this picture, but you know how much I like to bring a smile to your face, so here it is, a 42 ounce piece of Prime Rib, (I know it looks like a beef roast, but it isn't) that Sam enjoyed on our 28th Wedding Anniversary at Skip's Place in New Buffalo.  We hadn't been there in almost 30 years and we had a blast.  Oh and by the way he ate all of it.

Over the last couple of years I have been witness to countless acts of courage.  Not people running into burning buildings to save another, or the like, but what some people might call small acts.  I have watched my dear Husband, endure the most radical surgery, horrendous radiation sessions and endless chemo therapy where it was almost too much for him to bear..  After his last treatment he drove home and the next morning we left for Lake Michigan for what could be our last Family vacation together.  He would not hear of cancelling it, even though he never did go outside the whole time, but he was with us.

He pushes himself beyond his physical limits to complete a task on a daily basis.  I watch in awe as he eeks out every moment of his day to prove to himself and others that he is viable to all of us.  Every time he is asked how he is doing he answers with a big smile.  "Great!", or "Not bad for a dumb ole farm boy from Gobles".  Truth be told when his IQ was tested some years back it was in the 130's.  To say he is my hero is a huge understatement.  He is my life, the reason I get up in the morning.....

Now that the cancer is back, we are facing it together.  I try to go to treatment with him every week and I watch and listen as he keeps everyone at the Cancer Center in stitches (sometimes at my expense).  But right now he is here with me, with us, and  we are enjoying every minute we have together.

There has always been a lot of talk about the purpose driven life.  We wonder to ourselves why we are here on this earth, at this particular time and place.  It has never been more clear to me that I have been put here to help Sam through this,  to love him, comfort him and be with him, on this, life's most difficult journey.

T. Bond 1 Treadmill 1

Today is September 10th.  Exactly 1 month ago I tried to slingshot myself off the treadmill and across the basement.  After a trip to the ER (shout out to Doc Condon in Allegan)  and lots of pain medication, I am finally feeling a little better...so why not use this anniversary date to start exercising, I thought to myself.

I proudly waltzed into the bedroom and announced my plan to Sam, who immediately wanted to know if he should put the ambulance service on speed dial, and by the way was I going to behave myself?  Promising I would not be trying any stunts down there, I opened the basement door and headed downstairs.

Ipod in hand I walked over to the treadmill , noticing my glass of water next to it from the last time.  Having not been downstairs since that awful day, I was a little nervous and the popping of my sternum still rang in my ears. But being that I have gained 10 pounds over the last few months it was time to get back on the horse that threw me.

Facing forward on the machine, I set the speed to 3.5 mph and left the incline on 8, put my headphones on for some Lady Gaga and hit the start button.  I completed my 30 minute workout with a sense of accomplishment  Turning to go back upstairs with sweat everywhere including my ears, I thought I heard something from the vicinity of the treadmill,"Theresa, you ignorant slut, why don't you come back and try that running backwards thing again?"  I ran up the stairs careful not to trip and shut the basement door behind me.

September

You can feel it and smell it in the air.  It's been with us for a couple of weeks now.  That's right, Autumn is upon us.and the cicadas have been signalling the first frost for about a month now.  That's scary....

For all intents and purposes summer is over and we look forward to the Fall season with its changing colors and cooler weather.  We put in our memory banks the fun we had this Summer,  family reunions , county fairs, picnics, camping, tubing on the lakes and rivers.  There is nothing like Summer in Michigan, especially Southwest lower Michigan.  We wait all winter for the greening of the grass, the blooming of the flowers and trees,  school being out so we can vacation with our family and friends.  Hitting the beaches of Lake Michigan, eating ice cream cones, enjoying the beverage of our choice while we relax on our decks during a warm summer evening, trying to relive our summer days gone by.

Grudgingly we store our boats, put away the beach toys,  haul in the lawn furniture and prepare for a cooler but also beautiful season with its football games, apple cider,  bonfires, and most of all the Fall colors.  Perhaps our Summer memories are more precious, because it seems to be the only season that flies by.

I have lots to look forward to this fall. This September I  will be watching my Grandson march in performances with the Kalamazoo Central High School band.  It is difficult for me to realize he is a Freshman already.  I became a Grandma for the first time on September 11, 1997, when Max was born.  

As for me and mine, we will build bonfires on the shore of Lake Allegan,  roast hot dogs and s'mores, maybe go to a football game or two, all the while dreaming of our warm sunny days of last summer.

Treadmill 1 T.Bond 0

This post falls under the  "It'll feel better when it quits hurting" category.   It was one of my Dad's favorite sayings when any of us hurt ourselves.  Every time he said it, I hated it a little more.  The incident happened a week ago Wednesday afternoon.  It has taken me this long to be able to stomach talking about the accident.

Over the Spring I have gained about 10 lbs. from going through some physical therapy on my back and legs and not doing my regular workout.  Oh and eating like a truck driver. When I started back on my workout, my appetite was voracious.  Soooo, I decided to step up my routine and throw a little something different in to it.  But what? I wondered.  So I doubled my incline on and went to 4mph on the treadmill.  I burned twice the fat calories and about 50 additional regular calories.  Still no weight loss because I was eating everything that wasn't nailed down.

About 3 weeks ago while waiting with Sam at the West Michigan Center, I overheard a couple of staffers talking about their workouts and one said she tried running backwards on her treadmill like they did on the Biggest Loser.  Hmm, I wondered," that sounds like a change up."  I'm not sure what part of me thought it would be a good idea to face backwards and try to run on the treadmill.  Maybe the same part that also told me to put my hands on the rails while doing so.  (I am sure if I had another brain scan it show a lot more dead brain cells than before.}  So I faced backwards held on to the rails and stepped on the machine.

Whoa Nellie!  It seems I turned myself into a human slingshot of sorts.  My feet were going one way and my arms pulled me the other.  Meanwhile I heard a sickening POP and great pain in the middle of my chest.  I knew immediately that I had done something to my sternum.  Fast forward to ER, I indeed had fractured my  sternum horizontally.  It hurts to cough, hiccup, and sneezing is deadly.  I slept the first couple of nights in the recliner even though I was on heavy duty painkillers.  It's been almost 2 weeks and I do feel like I am making progress, but I had to double pinkie swear to Sam, that I would stay off the treadmill this week.  He put me on double secret probation when it comes to exercising.

While I have definitely proven  to be a first class bone-head, I have also learned to remind myself that I am 61 years old and cannot do what I could do when I was 40 or even 50.  (Even though I feel like I can.)  What I did was foolish and stupid, and I can hear my Dad right now asking, "what the hell was I thinkin'?"

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The Broom Tree

     Elijah was afraid and fled for his life, going to Beersheba of Judah.

He left his servant there and went a day's journey into the desert, until

he came to a broom tree and sat beneath it.  He prayed for death:  "This is

enough, O Lord!  Take my life, for I am no better than my fathers."  He lay

down and fell asleep under the broom tree, but then an angel touched him and

ordered him to get up and eat.  He looked and there at his head was a hearth cake

and a jug of water.  After he ate and drank, he lay down again, but the angel of the 

Lord came back a second time, touched him, and ordered, "Get up and eat, else the journey will be too long for you!"  He got up, ate and drank; then strengthened by that food, he walked forty days and 

forty nights to the mountain of God, Horeb.  1 Kings 19,3-8

The above Bible passage is one of my favorites.  Some of you are probably thinking to yourselves that I am a Catholic and everyone knows they don't read the Bible.  But you would be wrong.  True, we never memorized it, but the Bible is the word of God from which our religion flows.  Scripture is a very big part of our liturgy where both readings and the Gospel are taken from, verbatim.

I was living in the Pacific Northwest when this verse came to my attention.  It appealed to me because I was miserable living so very far away from my family.  I was lonely  and weary of the whole situation.  Little did I know how much the current situation would pale in comparison to what I would face in a few years.

Elijah begged the Lord to take his life because he was too tired and saw no way out of his troubles.  Instead of taking Elijah's life, God  provided him with nourishment and rest so that he could continue on his journey, Much the same way the Lord invites us under the Broom Tree to provide us with nourishment, strength, rest and consolation thereby  giving us the strength to continue on our journey through life.

Not to be flip, (but you know I always am) it's gonna  take a lot more than a hearth cake and jug of water to get me through this.  Symbolically, hearth cake and water represent the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ which will nourish my soul through all of this. My personal Broom Tree is actually a canopy of trees shading my deck overlooking Lake Allegan, anyplace quiet where we can listen for the voice of God will do.

When Elijah finally makes it to Horeb, he is told he will hear the voice of God.  At the entrance of a cave he hears God's voice not in an earthquake, fire, or the violent wind, but in a soft whispering.  It is difficult to surrender all of our problems to the Lord, after all we humans tend to be control freaks.  When I offer up my heart ache to God - it is still there, but maybe he takes the portion that I cannot handle and I don't realize it.

We must all be attentive and listen for the voice of the Lord, because until the End of Days, it won't be real obvious.

All My Life's A Circle

When I was younger one of my favorite musical artist's was Harry Chapin.  He was a great balladeer who wrote and sang of ordinary people like you and I and life as he saw it.

His song, "Circle" has been running through my head for the past few days.  It is  a cheery, happy-go-lucky song on the surface.  "All my life's a circle, sunrise til sundown."  "The seasons spinning 'round again, the years keep rolling by."

Coming home from Mother's Day brunch this year, Sam tearfully said "I am so fortunate that  your family took me in as their own and truly love and care about me."  From the moment he went to my parents for permission to marry me, they the loved the man.  Until the day he died, my Dad joked about the money he gave Sam  for taking me off his hands.  Yeah, right Dad.

Our lives are circles.  There are our family circles, the seasons are cycles that make up the circle of years which makes up the circle of our lives.  Get it?  It sounded better in my head.  Kind of circles within circles.  To me the circle of our life is not totally round.  There are highs and lows.

Sam says that when we look back on our lives, it appears more as an arc.  As we start our life we gently go upward and grow  in knowledge and wisdom, trying to make a better life for ourselves.  In that circular motion our lives continue (if we are lucky) completing the arc.  We must be prepared for disasters in our lives.  Otherwise, the arc will turn jagged, plummeting to the bottom.

Not until we reach the end of our life can we be sure of the shape.  So then does it really matter?  I think so, as we leave a legacy to those who are left behind , to carry on our traditions, our rituals, our memories that all live in the Circle.

"And Isn't It Ironic?"

"Life is bitter-sweet,"  my friend Sandy said with tears in her voice. My dear friend in Vancouver knows from experience just how true that statement rings.  She lost her Son, Tony just over a year ago and still struggles as any parent would, yet she is preparing for her oldest daughter's wedding which is a very joyous time.

Over the past seven years I have done nothing but hope and pray to be closer in proximity to my family and friends.  Finally making it to Chicago in December 2009, I was ecstatic!  Just a three hour drive to our family and friends.

On April 19, 2010, Sam was diagnosed with stage four head and neck cancer.  He went through radical surgery which removed a softball size tumor in his neck, 50 lymph nodes, his right tonsil, right jugular vein, thyroid gland, and a baseball size tumor from the back of his tongue.  Enduring six weeks of radiation and chemo just to make sure they killed anything left.  Compared to that, the bleeding ulcer, 6 unit blood transfusion and high blood pressure episode narrowly missing a massive stroke were a walk in the park.

Fast forward to January 2011.  Hoping it would be a better year, we talked about trying to take advantage of the housing market and look for a home in Michigan where we would eventually retire.  We found our dream home on Lake Allegan, about 30 miles northwest of Kalamazoo.  We closed on the house in mid-March.

A month later we discovered Sam's cancer had returned, this time in his right lung.  This time no cure.  This time palliative care is going to be the only treatment.

Are you sensing the pattern here?

The sweet is living in our dream home, being closer to our friends and family and living each day to the fullest.

The bitter:  well....you know.

Life's A Beach

It all began with a Facebook post from my friend Donna stating that she was lifting her self-imposed moratorium on winter vacations.  When she asked if anyone wanted to go with her, I immediately said hell yeah.

She now lives in Philadelphia and I am in Chi-town, so we met at the airport in Tampa.  Upon meeting up we did the dance of joy and went to get my bag.  After that we headed to the car rental place where I picked up the car I rented for $12 a day on Priceline.com and the guy tried to up-sell me to a Chrysler 200 for only $7 more a day.  What part of budget vacation did he not understand?  Hello, Priceline.com......  Saying no thank you for the third time he gave me the keys and told me what bay it was in.  Did I mention I rented an economy car?  When we got to the car, I thought about the old Gremlin commercial, "Hey toots, where's the rest of you car?"  "It's a freaking clown car!" I blurted out.

We put the back seat down and shoved the luggage in the back and headed for Siesta Key.  Just before we got there we had to stop at the grocery store for a few provisions.  $150 later we were once again standing outside the car wondering how the groceries were going to fit in, but our heroic bag boy saw to it, refused a tip from Donna (who almost took him to the ground) and we were once again off.

By the time we reached Casa Mar, it was dark.  My instructions for picking up the key was to get it from the gold mail box.  So because I was driving, Donna went to get it.  "I can't find any gold mail box." she said, so we circled the complex once, twice, three times until we spotted a young man who didn't really look like he belonged there but what the hell.  Turns out his name was Joe and yes indeed he did work there in maintenance.  He led us to the mailbox, we got the key and proceeded to #10 condo.

We both were so tired after unloading the car and putting the groceries that we didn't bother pulling the Murphy bed down and just fell asleep on the couches.

Donna quickly realized I was an early riser.  I got up and went to fix us some coffee.  When I saw the pot, I didn't know what to think.  Well I did think that the owners of the condo did not have a grasp on the two individuals they had rented to.  Swear to god, it was a four cup Mr. Coffee.  You know the ones they have in motel rooms that fill two styrofoam  cups if you are lucky.  Well the coffee cups they had were ginormous.  It took a pot to fill the cup.  We must have used 12 coffee filters the first day. THAT, was tedious.

Fast forward to Sunday night.  We were coming back from the beach when the guy next door started a conversation with us by calling us "chatter boxes".  Now bear in mind that Donna and I have not seen each other in almost two years, so we had a lot of things to talk about at the pool that afternoon.  Evidently Mr. New Jersey (that's where he haled from) thought he was being cute, while we just found him annoying.  But he was old so we cut him a little slack.  Back inside for some "red eyes" (beer and clammato juice) and more conversation.

Crescent Beach is beautiful with its stunning white sand.  We happened to luck out having the best weather of the season so far, but it still was a little cool.  We soaked up the sun everyday, hit the pool and walked the beach a lot.  Donna liked watching the sunset every night.  It was a little cool for me most nights.  We ate out a couple or three nights and cooked on the grill the rest of the time.  I had crab legs for the first time.   I am such a big fan of Deadliest Catch, I should have some Opillio for old times sake.  Donna and I both love that show.  It was happy hour so I had a couple of Bloody Marys and Donna had a "dirty" Martini.

I think it was Wednesday when we decided to do a little laundry.  There was a nice laundromat at the condo so Donna trucked down and put the wash in.  I went down to check it and put in the dryer.  That night we went to dinner at The Old Salty Dog in the downtown Siesta Key area.  That place had the best Mojitos and I also had some fish and chips.  Yummy  It was during dinner that Donna mentioned she had washed the clothes without soap because there wasn't any there.  "I thought the whites were a little dull when I pulled them out." I said.  On that note I ordered another Mojito.  There was a definite lack of supplies that you would normally find at a vacation rental.

The people down there have one speed....slow.  But we were on vacation, so we were in no hurry to get anywhere.  All in all we had a great time.  A lot of girl talk, a lot of drinking and a lot of fun.  I am hoping we can do it again as the time went all too quickly.








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A Good Day

A mantle of snow covered the landscape along I-90 on our trip to Rochester, MN Sunday afternoon, bringing to mind a quote from George Herbert that "Every mile is two in winter".  Along with that came thoughts of how this is our fourth season in which we have seen the Mayo Clinic.  The seasonal cycle is complete and how fitting that on this trip we see how successful the cancer treatment for Sam has been.  The journey has been long and arduous and is something that no one can really appreciate except the patient.

Our first appointment was Monday morning at 6:45 a.m. for the PET scan which took around three hours.  By our appointment with the Radiology Oncologist at 1:00 p.m. the scan was online and reviewed by them.  The results were good, there were no Christmas tree lights on this one.  On we went to the next appointments, ending the day with Dr. Eric Moore, Sam's surgeon.  As far as we are concerned Dr. Moore is a rock star.  When we were given little hope from the medical community in Chicago, it was a much different story at Mayo. (For greater detail, please read previous posts from spring of 2010).

Dr. Moore always takes his time with us and makes sure if we have any questions or concerns they are addressed before we leave.  We went down memory lane,  to May and how he had discussed curing Sam's cancer.   He went on to say that he believed this should also be viewed as a "turning point" in Sam's life.  At his pre-cancer weight and life style he was headed for a stroke and heart disease.  Now he has the opportunity to continue the 90+ lb. weight loss and start an exercise regimen that will extend his life.  He isn't concerned with just the cancer, but the over all well being of the patient.  Folks, you just don't see that much in the medical industry anymore.  The Mayo Clinic is the "Gold Standard" of health care

Then I wanted to ask 'THE" question.  I did it rather clumsily, but Dr. Moore knew what I was trying to get at.  Is Sam considered cancer free, is he cured?  What does today mean?

As he was washing his hands, he pointed out that while the cancer can return anytime, it usually happens within the first three years after treatment.  But something not many people realize is that 90% of  recurrences happen within six months of ending treatment.  So he would see us again in April and four times a year after that for five years.  Then they would say goodbye to us.

"So back to my question Dr. Moore, what does today mean?"  He looked at me, drying his hands  and answered, " It means today is a good day."