As the year 2010 winds down to its last days, I can't help feeling I am staring at a double barreled shotgun wondering which trigger will be pulled. That my friends is how I feel about 2011. Time was, I looked forward to the New Year with great anticipation, wondering what new adventures awaited me. What would this new year bring? For a lot of years things went pretty smoothly. Then someone moved my cheese if you know what I mean.
Taken from my comfort zone, I tried to adapt to living 2400 miles away from everything that meant anything to me (save for my husband). During the last six years we have been given a number of hurdles, some of our own making, others not so much. This past year has been exceptionally trying. We moved closer to Michigan with a job relocation, I had a "mini stroke", I celebrated my 60th birthday, Sam was diagnosed with head and neck cancer..Sam spent the whole summer in Rochester, MN for treatments and so on and so forth,as my Dad would always say when trying to make a point.This probably comes off sounding bitter to some, but I am not. There are lessons to be learned from this and we learned them very well. Sounds like a song doesn't it? "Red Rubber Ball" actually. But I digress. My problem is that I wished I had listened more to my inner self than trying to prove that I could be a woman of the world. Oh yeah, move? People do it everyday. I can do it. Never mind if I want to or not. Not thinking things through has always been my downfall. I never want to disappoint anyone by telling them no. I had five long years to think about that one.
Recently one of my dearest friends lost her first born Grandchild in a car accident. She is shattered as is the rest of the family. There is something about your first born grandchild and the bond that forms between you. I can't explain it, but it is there, especially Grandma and Grandson. This horrible tragedy just days before Christmas spoke to me in a way that little else does anymore. Something or someone whispered in my ear to relax and be at peace with everything and everyone around me. Don't try to be in control of the entire universe. I wish I did have some magic power where I could bring Christopher back to Deb and the Family, but I don't. All I can do is grieve with them and appreciate what I have been given for as long as God sees fit.
Sam and I were discussing how our Christmas's had changed over the years. Ever since the Grandkids came along we have always wanted to be with them when they woke up Christmas Morning and see them open their gifts. It was easier to do when they were younger and we lived closer. This year I didn't feel like I had to break the bank and buy out the stores, so I set an amount and Addie got one present and Max got two for the money alloted. We arrived at their house after they had opened all their gifts and they loved our presents. It felt good not to be tied to traditions that don't make sense anymore. Instead of seeing change as endings, we chose to look at them as transitions. Our lives are transitioning. We pass the mantel to others. Our Son now hosts the Christmas Celebration, we focus on the meal rather than gifts. We bask in the warmth of Family and Friends and live in the now.After Christmas dinner, my Brother and Sister-in-law took Mom home so Sam and I could stick around a little longer with my Son and family. What did we do? Nothing, just sat and enjoyed watching them be a family. Max and his Dad installing a new motherboard in his computer, Addie sketching in her Project Runway book, just being with them felt like a gift. We left there feeling very happy and blessed.
I am still very leery about what is in store for 2011, but I can't stop it, I can only enjoy what is going on right now. I must live next year one day at a time. Happy New Year everyone!
